(Originally Posted on the Geek Girl Mommie blog)
I’m on vacation.
No really. I am. I am currently sitting on the floor in the living room of a resort cabin in front of an electric fireplace. My laptop is set up on the coffee table, I have a glass of wine beside me, and my back is propped up against the couch. Flyboy was asleep on said couch until about a second ago and has now joined Little Lass to sleep in the upstairs bedroom area.
The beauty of vacation is, of course, that your every day responsibilities aren’t there for you to focus on. No day job to worry about, no bills coming in the mail, no laundry, etc. It is both freeing and a little maddening to me. Freeing because I know that I’m not only allowed to not jump when an email comes through for me, but I’m in fact expected to never even look at it until I’m back. Maddening because I’m a workaholic, check my 9-5 job email address any way and have to force myself not to start a conversation over a new or existing task.
Also maddening was that some time in the last couple of days I realized that a lot of the stress that exists in my real world doesn’t have to. Honestly with a toddler around my vacation days haven’t been much different than the days I normally have. A little more time out on the boat of course, but the playing, feeding, dancing and laughing are all the same as when we’re at home. And it has forced me to consider why it seems like more fun here than there. I keep telling myself it’s not supposed to be as much fun. (Hello? Vacation?) And my only response to myself now is “And why not?”
Why does my every day have to be tinged with tension I can’t define? Why do I have to feel trapped in my job and cornered by bills? Why does my face have to have that little bit of a pinched look when I gaze in the mirror at it in the morning or at night now? Why do I constantly have to feel worn down, dowdy and tired?
The truth is that none of that has to be true at all. But the build up and work to get it that way is so daunting it just seems easier to go with what it normal. And I realize now that subconsciously I’ve been thinking that way all this time and that no magic wand is going to change it for me.
I’m still working out the steps that I need to take and it’s going to be quite a trip. It’s going to have hills and valleys, and some of it will be dark, cluttered and dirty. But if I’m up to the task nothing should keep me from doing it right?