Reflections on Being a Mother

(Originally Posted on the Geek Girl Mommie blog)

By nature I am introspective. I do a lot of looking into myself and pulling myself apart and trying to figure out exactly how I tick and how to tweak myself to change what I find that I don’t like. And since I am like that by nature, of course Mother’s Day is a day when it happens.

I found myself watching Little Lass carefully, wondering if I’m doing anything wrong with her and for her. Am I present enough? Do I play with her enough? Do I read to her enough? Am I enough for her?

It took me a long time to realize that I am not perfect. It took me even longer to be happy with the fact that not only am I not perfect, but I don’t want to be. Ever. Being perfect implies that I have nothing else to learn, no more levels of self to strive for, and no mountains that I need to climb in any realm of existence. The very thought of it sounds… well… boring. But that doesn’t mean I’m not hard on myself. Nor does it mean that I don’t feel like I am letting someone, somewhere down every single moment of every single day. I never shake the feeling that I am not doing all I can, and sometimes it keeps me up at night and tears me up inside just a little when I dwell on it.

So here I am, watching Little Lass play when suddenly she looks up at me. And then flashes me a huge smile that lights up her eyes, grabs my hand and pulls me to the floor to help her build a tower of foam blocks that she promptly topples over with a call of “Oh no!” She then shouts “Puppy!”, grabs her stuffed dog, sits in my lap and curls up to watch Thomas the Tank Engine. I bury my nose in her hair and I hear a little sigh of contentment.

Some day my little girl will not need me as much as I would like her to. She’ll be off doing her own thing and the days of her snuggling up to me just to spend time will be long gone. I know I’ll miss these days terribly and will long for them. But for now my question is answered. Am I enough for her?

Why yes, yes I think right now Mommy is.

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